Dear Mr. Stein,
I’m just going to get right to the point. There was a merman in my pool, and now my cousin Mark is dead as are two teens from my neighborhood.
A lot of shit goes down on the 4th of July. It’s America’s greatest day of the year and my personal favorite time for a pool party. A pool party is what I planned. I invited all my best friends over Facebook and bought delicious burgers and bulk ordered hotdogs via Sam’s Club so I could make my famous Alabama Mud Slug (a charred hot dog covered in chili, wrapped with a burger patty). I even stocked the ice chest with many a Bud Heavy.
So my cousin Mark came over early. He was a great guy. Type of jock who always down for a pool party. Used to play football in high school. You know the drill with these types. Good men. Good boys. Good times.
So when he comes over, I’m stuck on the toilet. I’ve had a shitty bout of IBS since a bad meal I ate at Applebee’s two months ago. Gotta make sure I get everything out so I don’t leak in the pool. I tell Mark I’ll be out in 20. He tells me he’s gonna go down to get the pool ready. So I continue expelling sin when I hear a scream.
I’m not talking like a chicken scream. I’m talking a turkey scream. It was loud. So I wipe on up, powder my starfish, and go down to my pool. Then I turkey scream myself. Cause the water’s all red and bloody, and I run around the barbecue, and I see my Mark, legs all bitten off, like Jaws had infested our pool and nibbled his long bois.
I was like, “oh ma God, Mark!” I ran to help when I heard a wispy voice sing to me, “Come on in here, Sam, you get on in, have a swim with the mermen, have a swim with Fin.”
I turned my head to see none of than Fin, a dangerous merman, who’d emerged through the drain (likely a consequence of global warming on his natural environment) and found refuge in my pool. I didn’t know what to do. So I threw a hot dog at it. Fin did not respond. He simply looked at me with his dead stingray eyes. As I considered what to do, a dog ran into my yard yapping like a demon itself. It ran toward Fin, who extended a frog tongue and pulled the dog into his mouth.
The aforementioned teens (nice neighborhood boys I mentor) entered just after. Seeing their dog dead, they began to cry. I yelled to them, grab my fireworks. So that they did indeed. Because Mermen can’t get out of the pool, we began an hour-long assault with “Water Dynamite,” “Sky Lightning,” “M80’s,” and my personal favorite firework, “The Ball Buster (Maximum Legal Load).” The backyard and pool was alight with wonderful colors.
The Merman screeched with pain. I grabbed a Roman Candle to put the nail in the coffin. I lit the puppy, aimed at Fin, and fired. Fin, a smart one, turned. The flare deflected from his thick back scales and bounced into the extra fireworks near the teens.
The last thing I remember is the explosion. Radiant colors. Screams. Blackness.
I woke in the hospital, handcuffed to my bed. A detective informed me I’d been arrested for killing Mark and the two teens. No one knows what happened to Fin. We need a biologist to look into this.
I am awaiting arraignment. While that’s happening, I’d like to get ahead of this, since this was obviously a mistake.
• Let’s sue the U.S. Government first and foremost. They have a responsibility to keep the world at a safe temperature. If Fin didn’t want to leave his habitat, he wouldn’t have wound up in my saltwater pool.
• Smooth Jeff’s Fireworks. Son of a bitch never warned me that I could accidentally blow people up with childs’ toys.
• The Navy for failing to eradicate the Merman threat. It’s obvious that the Navy has known about them since World War II if you study the literature.
• The Navy for not reaching Mark techniques to fend off a Merman during his service in the Gulf War. Yes, Mark was a sailor.
• Applebee’s for giving me my IBS. Had I not been occupied at the time of the attack, I may have been able to help Mark. But nay. I had to wipe first.
Please do be in touch, Mr. Stein. Aside from general lawsuits, I want to start a non-profit to educate the world on Mermen and discuss whether genocide is in order.
Okay. Thanks.
Samuel “Sammi” Davis Jr.
I’m just going to get right to the point. There was a merman in my pool, and now my cousin Mark is dead as are two teens from my neighborhood.
A lot of shit goes down on the 4th of July. It’s America’s greatest day of the year and my personal favorite time for a pool party. A pool party is what I planned. I invited all my best friends over Facebook and bought delicious burgers and bulk ordered hotdogs via Sam’s Club so I could make my famous Alabama Mud Slug (a charred hot dog covered in chili, wrapped with a burger patty). I even stocked the ice chest with many a Bud Heavy.
So my cousin Mark came over early. He was a great guy. Type of jock who always down for a pool party. Used to play football in high school. You know the drill with these types. Good men. Good boys. Good times.
So when he comes over, I’m stuck on the toilet. I’ve had a shitty bout of IBS since a bad meal I ate at Applebee’s two months ago. Gotta make sure I get everything out so I don’t leak in the pool. I tell Mark I’ll be out in 20. He tells me he’s gonna go down to get the pool ready. So I continue expelling sin when I hear a scream.
I’m not talking like a chicken scream. I’m talking a turkey scream. It was loud. So I wipe on up, powder my starfish, and go down to my pool. Then I turkey scream myself. Cause the water’s all red and bloody, and I run around the barbecue, and I see my Mark, legs all bitten off, like Jaws had infested our pool and nibbled his long bois.
I was like, “oh ma God, Mark!” I ran to help when I heard a wispy voice sing to me, “Come on in here, Sam, you get on in, have a swim with the mermen, have a swim with Fin.”
I turned my head to see none of than Fin, a dangerous merman, who’d emerged through the drain (likely a consequence of global warming on his natural environment) and found refuge in my pool. I didn’t know what to do. So I threw a hot dog at it. Fin did not respond. He simply looked at me with his dead stingray eyes. As I considered what to do, a dog ran into my yard yapping like a demon itself. It ran toward Fin, who extended a frog tongue and pulled the dog into his mouth.
The aforementioned teens (nice neighborhood boys I mentor) entered just after. Seeing their dog dead, they began to cry. I yelled to them, grab my fireworks. So that they did indeed. Because Mermen can’t get out of the pool, we began an hour-long assault with “Water Dynamite,” “Sky Lightning,” “M80’s,” and my personal favorite firework, “The Ball Buster (Maximum Legal Load).” The backyard and pool was alight with wonderful colors.
The Merman screeched with pain. I grabbed a Roman Candle to put the nail in the coffin. I lit the puppy, aimed at Fin, and fired. Fin, a smart one, turned. The flare deflected from his thick back scales and bounced into the extra fireworks near the teens.
The last thing I remember is the explosion. Radiant colors. Screams. Blackness.
I woke in the hospital, handcuffed to my bed. A detective informed me I’d been arrested for killing Mark and the two teens. No one knows what happened to Fin. We need a biologist to look into this.
I am awaiting arraignment. While that’s happening, I’d like to get ahead of this, since this was obviously a mistake.
• Let’s sue the U.S. Government first and foremost. They have a responsibility to keep the world at a safe temperature. If Fin didn’t want to leave his habitat, he wouldn’t have wound up in my saltwater pool.
• Smooth Jeff’s Fireworks. Son of a bitch never warned me that I could accidentally blow people up with childs’ toys.
• The Navy for failing to eradicate the Merman threat. It’s obvious that the Navy has known about them since World War II if you study the literature.
• The Navy for not reaching Mark techniques to fend off a Merman during his service in the Gulf War. Yes, Mark was a sailor.
• Applebee’s for giving me my IBS. Had I not been occupied at the time of the attack, I may have been able to help Mark. But nay. I had to wipe first.
Please do be in touch, Mr. Stein. Aside from general lawsuits, I want to start a non-profit to educate the world on Mermen and discuss whether genocide is in order.
Okay. Thanks.
Samuel “Sammi” Davis Jr.