Free Legal Advice

 

Q: Help! My neighbor runs an illegal weasel farm. What are my rights?

A: Weasel farms are tricky business. They can leave your children frightened and in the worst cases, eaten. Weasel farms are illegal in all states since the Skirmish at Weasel Ridge in 1993 when the FBI laid siege to a Waco, Texas weasel farm under the auspices of confiscating illegal weapons. Nearly 9 million weasels were killed that day.

Since then, 89 percent of local police have admitted to being on the payroll of local weasel farmers. Therefore, you can not rely on law enforcement to protect you from weasel-related torts.

Therefore again, You have the right to defend yourself. This is why the second amendment was created. Lock and load, freedom boy.

 

Q: Help! I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up. What are my rights? 

A: Everyone has a right to stand. And if you have fallen, there are generally numerous people to be held accountable. But since we did not get to this email for nearly two weeks after it was sent, it is probable you are dead. As a dead person, you literally have no rights. You should have called.

 

Q: Help! My ex-wife wants custody of my child. What are my rights?

A: Legally, children are defined as “small unreasonable mammals,” which means they are considered real property and not human until the age of 18. To determine which parent owns the real property, there are two legal tests:  

The first involves taking a tally of the number of times you and your spouse have given your child a “whipping.” Legally speaking, a “whipping” is when you rub your child’s forehead while making a wish. Because a North Carolina circuit court called “whipping” “a legal loophole to pedophilic behavior,” the parent with more “whippings” is generally at risk of losing the child.

The second test is to prove you own the child’s chain of title. A chain of title is a “long rope or steel chain named secreted by the child around its first birthday, or the day it declares its gender.” You must find this chain, and declare it yours via a Twitter or Instagram post.