Dear Mr. Stein,
I’ll be retaining your services for recent damages to my hog. I’ll tell you what, I’m gonna come right and say this honestly... I’m wildly famous in the porn world. A 2022 Ron Jeremy. A true cock star.
My mom hates this shit and won’t talk to me, but I think my dad subscribes to my pornhub haha. I guess that’s cool. We probably have similar hogs. I mean I like to call it my hog but the fans, they think the splotches make it look like a python. So they call me Python Pete. There’s a link in my email sig so you can check my channel out. Subscribe if you have the extra cash haha. Thanks.
So I bought a scaly python to match my own skin snake, and I named him Hans Grouper. I bought the boy from Randal’s Lizard Emporium, where Smooth Randy always hooks me up with the tightest deals on reptiles. I reward him with coupons for my pornhub.com channel.
Hans and me, we’ve become great friends. Father and son-like. I take him to sets. He occasionally get to be a stand-in while I act. He even got a chance to do his own scene. Hans is no longer a virgin, and that’s probably one of my proudest achievements as his dad.
But something bad happened. Because my Hans and I have become such good friends, I let him roam the house wherever he damn pleases. He’s usually in cabinets and shit, but over the last month, he’s been sliding into bed with me. At first, he’d slip into the little spoon position near my hog, and we’d cuddle like father and son.
All that said, the past week was different.
Look, I occasionally feed my boy a fur baby, like a nice rat or small rabbit. Basically whatever my producer lets me take home from set. And I figure I don’t need a shit load of small mammals as pets. Might as well feed them to my son. And that’s where this story starts, Dr. Stein.
Lately, my producer hasn’t been bringing many small mammals to set, and honestly I’ve sorta forgotten to feed Hans. I have a lot of snack packs around the casa so I guess I thought he’d probably help himself to something but no. He’s been hungry.
So the last week, like I was saying, he’s been getting into bed with me and extending his body, like going full erection mode, laying right next to me, his head on my pillow, tail near my tooties. I was like this is kinda cool. He’s sorta like a human. So I texted a pic to Randal at the Lizard Emporium, and he was all like, “Pete, you gotta cage that python. He’s trying to size you up to eat you.” So I put on pants, and I thought the deed was done.
Turns out he was talking about Hans Grouper the python. Not my personal python. Cause around 2:30 a.m. the next morning, I woke to a warm and wet and prickly feeling on the tip of my hog. Like the kiss of a Venus Fly Trap. I thought it may have been a pleasant dream. But then I felt it clamp down farther. I felt the scaly coldness of a serpent touch my taint, and I realized what exactly had occurred. Hans Grouper had eaten my hog.
I quickly called an ambulance, who arrived as Hans made his way to the base of my shaft. I blacked out at that point. But what I’ve learned is the doctors used a scalpel to cut open Hans’ stomach where they found my hog’s head. Yeah, my hog stretched like two feet inside of this reptile. Had no idea that could happen. They then cut up the snake’s body until they clipped his head open and peeled him apart like an eye-glass case. I woke hours later in the ICU.
Let’s get to the point here. My penis no longer gets stiff and is long like a fire hose. I’ve been fired from the porn industry. My son is dead. I am alone.
I feel ashamed. Forgotten. Please make me whole again, Mr. Stein.
- Can we sue Randal’s Lizard Emporium? I feel like they should have known the reptile they sold me had a taste for hogs.
- How about pornhub.com? They don’t have any kind of insurance policy for their performers that covers hog extension via serpent. It’s more common than you think. A reasonable person would know this and cover for it.
- Hans Groupers’ parents. We’ll have to contact Randal for this one, but those bastards raised a smooth demon.
- The ICU doctors for malpractice. If they had called in a snake charmer, it’s quite possible Hans would have released my hog without needing to be cut. We'd still be a well bonded father and son acting duo.
- My producer, Jeff. I don’t know why we stopped doing scenes with small mammals, but I assure you we could have kept going. I never complained. Had I a small rat, Hans wouldn't have stalked my hog.
Look, Mr. Stein, I know how important the adult film world is to you, and I’ll autograph whatever you need for you, your wife, or your kids. Just help me, please.
Soon to be your pal,
Peter “Python Pete” Davidson