SUBJECT: Lawsuit at the Florabama

Dear Mr. Stein,

I’m hitting you up about some dumb shit that went down last week. I was out with my boys Duck, Motrin, and Reggie. We got out of that commie lockdown in NOLA and drove over to the nicest beach we’ve ever been to. Yeah, the Florabama. You know the spot between Florida and Alabama. Got the Hottest birds. Dopest nightclubs. Nothing but bikinis.

I know you know what I’m saying haha. Anyway, Motrin got his barber to come by. Line us all up. Looking fuckin right. We jumped in the truck. SKKKKKRT. Got there in like two hours. That’s how excited Reggie was. Lead Foot Reggie we kept calling that fool.

So we spent the first three days slamming Busches and running trains. Motrin started calling the Gulf of Mexico the Gulf of Sexico cause you know it was a typical bro weekend haha.

Anyways, the boys and I are all about fishin. You know we live that Salt Life big dog. Got the stickers on the trucks, except Duck. He’s got a tight one that says Assault Life with an AR-15 haha yeah. We’re all about The Second Amentmend.

Motrin was like we gotta catch some fishes while we’re down here. I was like yeah we should. Because we’re real when we talk about that Salt Life living. The WIFI sucked at the motel so we pulled out the yellow pages and eeny meeny miney moe’d that shit and landed on Slim Dale’s Charter Fishin.

It was like 15 minutes away so fuckin Reggie got us there in 10 hahaha. Lead Foot.

We get there, and this place is ratchet af. There was seagulls fuckin eating hamburgers near the front door. I swear to God I saw a dead marlin in the parking lot. There wasn’t like no one even around waiting so we figured we’d get Slim Dale to ourselves haha.

We knocked on the door, and a guy on the second floor balcony was like y’all here for the charter? And we looked up and there was this leathery ass chach with no shirt on and his cock out. Dude looked like a sunburnt lizard haha.

We were like we’re looking for Slim Dale bro. He was like I’m Slim Dale. So like cut to an hour later. We’re on this old janky ass fishing boat with Slim Dale and there’s like seagulls that followed us from land flying all over the place shitting and stuff. And Slim Dale was still naked and at this point we were just kind of used to it haha.

Well anyway, we’re like 2 miles out into the Gulf of Mexico and I’m getting the itch to throw my line in. You know us Louisiana boys don’t wanna wait. So I’m like Slim Dale cut the foreplay. Let’s get us some slimers. Slim Dale cut the power and he steps down from the crow’s nest and he’s moving all sorta smooth and dancey. And Motrin’s like what the hell Slim?

And Slim goes why don’t you cast that line. Cast it, Jerry Boy. And we were like no one here is named Jerry. It’s just me, Ken, and my boys. And Slim Dale started getting like all close and I gotta be honest I was getting a little nervous like I used to feel as an altar boy. Story for another time haha.

But like Slim gets closer and Motrin’s like yo, you gonna get the poles out or what? And Slim Dale’s like first let me get the worms, Jerry boys. And I’ll tell you what we figured we be fishin with shrimp so worms… We’re like wtf, get out of here Slim Dale haha.

So like at this point Reggie’s apparently starting to get the hint. He recently came out as LGBTQ+ and identifies under the +. He’s a Biden guy. He’s like Ken, Slim Dales vibin you bro. And Slim Dale got closer and started touching my board shorts and I’ll be honest I started vibin on it too.

Then there was this bump on the boat. Slim falls into me and then we hit the ground. I was like oh man what the hell was that. There were like fishing hooks and shit stuck up in my bad shoulder. And Slim Dale got all freaked and was like yo boys, get ready.

And Duck’s like what you mean, Dale? And Slim goes… he’s here. And that was when this massive Bottlenose Dolphin fuckin jumped on board and started fuckin shit up. Most people don’t know but dolphins have grabby cocks and those hogs are ratchet.

It started grabbing our legs, tryna trip us. Reggie’s like smacking it with a pool noodle. And I freaked. I got to my feet and jumped in the water. And I’m realizing I’m a bad swimmer and I’m dog paddling and then that when I saw these fins like Jaws and shit comin for me. And I was like fuck. Gotta get out of the sea bro. Then the dolphins hit me and pulled me under. Idk if it was with their mouths or hogs or what.

And I was underwater, drowning and screaming. I realized these weren’t fuckin dolphins down here. These were mermaids. You know, fuckin sea demons and they started nibbling my toes and I started saying the Lord’s prayer and making the sign of the cross with my fingers and they screeched and squealed and backed off.

I honestly felt like some sort of exorcist guy except with no toes.

Then I started feeling this pull. The hooks were still stuck in my back and I was being reeled in. Saved. Reggie, Motrin, and Duck reeled me back aboard. Slim Dale was gone. Lost to the dolphin lord. Reggie told what the dolphin said when I was battling the sea demons.

Apparently this dolphin’s name is Reptile and he’s like some weird overlord to these mermaids. idk. The dolphin spared the lives of my friends to take Slim Dale to his lair. Sounds fishy to me, but why not believe it.

So like I have a few questions that need answers:

- I’d like to sue Slim Dale. He brought me and the boys to dangerous waters. Waters where dolphins and mermaids are legion. That’s pretty nebligent. I want to sue him for nebligence.