SUBJECT: I am Q, and I need you

Dear Mr. Stein,

I hope this letter finds you well. I’ll be needing your services soon. I’d like to put you on a full-time retainer, as the information I’m about to reveal will probably startle you.

I am Ted Cruz. And online I go by Q.

I started QAnon as a hobby. In 2013, my wife Heidi berated me for being so occupied by work. I looked to hobbies to satisfy her. I first mastered windsurfing and then hacky sack. I even began a fashion blog, yet I still felt unfulfilled.

Then one day after my nightly treat, I began to read conspiracy theories, and boy were they entertaining. I learned all about the 9/11 inside job, reptilian control of government (apparently I am a reptile lol), and the chemical trails left by planes. I couldn’t possibly understand how anyone could believe these theories even when a preponderance of evidence would be shown to discredit it.

It was then I knew what my new hobby would be: I would attempt to manipulate the dregs of this country to satisfy my wife.

I created Q. I started with innocuously absurd claims to test the waters, like Bill and Hillary Clinton are molesting youths beneath a pizza restaurant. If you really believe that, you actually deserve to die, I thought. Turns out a lot of fucking people deserve to die, Mr. Stein. Because that seemed plausible to so many.

But it was entertaining, so I pressed ahead, creating numerous Twitters, many 4Chan and 8Chan accounts, and even got my own burner cell from the dark web to post on. Smooth brains from all across the country began to follow, waiting for the next “Q-drop” lol. Talk about a hoot.

When the great leader Donald Trump came into office, I thought surely this man cannot get elected twice — I must do something radical to facilitate this.

My hobby then changed: No longer would QAnon be for Heidi. I decided to wield this bizarre hobby to sway national politics.

I started by thinking of what is the most unlikely thing the simpletons of America (apparently many of my constituents but that’s a convo for later) would believe. “A-ha!” I thought, “I’ll tell people there’s a multinational group of child molesting, Satan-worshiping “elites” that run the world (I was inspired by the Illuminati at the time lol) and that Trump — yes, the orange one accused 26 times of sexual assault — was sent from the ACTUAL Christian God to destroy them in an event called The Storm.”

People ate that shit up. When would the storm happen? My followers wanted to know, so I kept them on the hook with pseudo-cryptic Tweets like “big event next week,” “Storm coming 

,” and my personal favorite, “Watch Joe Biden’s Twitter next month.” They stayed with me like a good dog, a good boy. This went on for four years, and my following swelled like watermelons of the summer.

In the meantime, I even started an online store and sold t-shirts and flags and mad Q swag. We had sold-out QCons where Q experts gave speeches on completely made-up topics. I have literally made millions of dollars. I even started a slogan — “Where We Go One, We Go All,” which is honestly code for is “Low IQ’s beget Low IQ’s” lol.

But the fun had to end. Donald lost. You see, I was not powerful enough to sway most of the country. In fact, I learned that most American citizens are actually quite reasonable. Only approximately 30 million are smooth brained and susceptible to mind control via Twitter.

Anyhow, I decided to make one last try — I sent my raging gaggle of yokels to the Capitol under the guise that they could be part of The Storm themselves. Jesus Christ, what an insane spectacle to behold. Did you see that Viking Q Shaman? Wow. Lol.

Anyway, once Joe Biden was inaugurated, I stopped posting and decided to step away to a new hobby, the fiddle.

But that isn’t why I write you. Since my resignation, I’ve been receiving disturbing threats from former followers. Here are some examples:

“Show me The Storm, baby. Or this pipe bomb ^^^ your ass. ” — Sal Jones, Mississippi.

“I’m coming for your kids hahahahah.” — Danny Masterson, California.