Dear Mr. Stein,
My name is Hector Malochnik. I am Russian national living in swamps of Florida. I flee my motherland after a rendezvous with none other than Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin. The things I’ve seen. The scents I’ve sniffled. The smooth grazes I’ve felt. No man should ever be subjected to such sensory torture.
Your country does not know I am here, but I fear they soon will.
My swamp shack has been under assault by snakes since April Two, 2021, and I believe I will have to flee yet again for help unless you come to my rescue with your expertise on snake law.
You see, Mr. Stein, on April Two, I make my natural butter for my toasts when I hear a hiss. Thinking it was simply my imagination run wild I go back to my butter. Moments later, there was a creak, and I notice the front door begin to sway open.
There, staring me in my eyes, was 42-foot ball python. I throw my buttered toasts at it. It simply gobbled them then let out a roar. I slam my door shut and lock it. I watch through my windows as this animal swim around my shack, looking for way in. With hiss, he slip back into dark Everglade bog.
Being that my nickname as a boy was “the resourceful Ruskie” I do what good comrade do, I Google this creature. On 8Kun board, I learn its true identity. This snake is Serpent King. His name Joshua (yes like you) and he lead a pack of formerly domesticated pythons in Everglade National Park.
And now his serpent horde wages a PsyOps war against me, trying to break my will, Mr. Stein. I look through my blinds, seeing the ripples created by their dainty tails. I hear their hisses. I smell their spritz.
I fear leaving my shack under threat of being constricted, then gobbled by largest nationally recognized serpentine army in North America.
Now, comrade Stein, I must inform you, I am former KGB. My hands deadly, as are feet. I have other weapons, yes.
But using them may reveal my whereabouts.
What are laws with snakes?
Can I strangle them one-by-one on silent offensive? Bury their bodies beneath the swamp?
Should I use AK-47? Bang bang.
What about using underwater bomb? Boom.
I recognize snakes are protected in this country, whereas in homeland, they are demons to be slain on sight.
If my efforts fail (or I am too loud), I can count on you to arrange a helicopter EXFIL where I am immediately brought to international waters before Hunter Biden tells his daddy about me, yes?
Thank you for your time, Mr. Stein. Upon receipt of your engagement, I send you my location.
One with magnificent Ram,
Hector Malochnik