dear mr. stein,
hi, i’m not bill musgraves like it says on the email name. i’m diana musgraves. bill is my dad and this is his email. i want to sue my older brother jack. jack is 5 years older than me. he’s 14 and he’s a dick.
i want to sue him because he’s been looking at porn on my iPad and doesn’t even delete the history. and it’s really bad. he goes to websites like thiccbutts.com and pepperonpepper.com and pleasingtheunicock.com. sometimes i look at what he watched and i get really scared and nervous except pleasingtheunicock is kind of funny sometimes lol.
also the other day he took my barbie dolls and made them do sex. i know what sex is because of instagram. he put them into doggy style, tekashi69, reverse cowgirl and ifell tower. i know what those are because i have the internet and i’m good at using it.
i tried to tell my mom about it but she just says jack is a gross pimply teenager in puberty and that if i really want to get back at him, i need to sue him. so here i am mr. stein.
i googled good attorneys in the united states and your name came up. i thought you had a nice picture that didn’t look too creepy like the weird creep guys i saw at other lawyer stores. but i did kind of think you looked like one of the guys in the video jack watched on pleasingtheunicock.com. i don’t think it’s you though because that guy was very hairy. i thought you looked nice like a business man but not scary and not too hairy. if i saw you in a public restroom at the chucky cheese i would not be too scared.
can you meet me this week? i go to school at marshall elementary and have lunch at 11:30. you can meet me in the cafeteria and i will show you the photos of what my brother jack did. we have chicken basket on thursday and it sucks so bring your own food. you can have half of my sandwich.
sincerely
diana musgraves